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Weekly World News

2004/09/26

Weekly World News, September 26, 2004 (Highlights)

CHIROPTOMAN STEALS AUTO FOR A FOUR STATE JOY RIDE!
RECENT ESCAPEE FROM NAL SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FACILITY REMAINS AT LARGE!

WINCHESTER, VIRGINIA — Chiroptoman, the NAL’s most cherished winged deviant caused a furor in the quad-state area as he circled around the nation’s capitol on the Postal Roads.

Mere seconds after salesman Ulf Olafssen had opened the door of the brand new Lyksas sports-utility-vehicle, Chiroptoman jumped from the roof of the dealership, climbed in, and drove away. He drove north, through Ter Mair and on, through Pennsylvaania, Kent and New Sweden, where he abandoned the stolen vehicle.

“It all happened in a blur,” the would-be owner said to our reporter. “I’d only begun to walk through the doors to the waiting vehicle when the gray beast jumped in, slammed the door and drove off! He didn’t even signal his merge to the highway! He went over the horizon like…a bat out of hell!”

The local constabulary surmises that this was not a chance-occurrence. Chiroptoman had most likely been waiting for just the right moment for hours. Constables gave Chase, but they were lost in traffic.

While many citizens reported sightings of the Lyksas, but the last sighting in New Sweden states that it was empty, and had been ravaged by Chiroptoman prior to his disappearance from the scene.

NIA Special Forces Agent Henrik Rysker, from the New Sweden branch spoke confidently to us. “We have followed his movements. We’re just moving in on his current location now.”

When asked how Chiroptoman had learned to drive, Rysker said, “The locale is classified, but he was serving the Commonwealth.” This service is evidently over, as Chiroptoman has become more and more sociopathic in his escapades. He also has been taking risks, as seen by his drive-thru order at a kruler/Berliner shop outside of Philadelphia, where several Pennsylvania Constables were reviewing a sting operation.

Desperate to prevent public trauma, authorities request all citizens to report suspicious activities or persons to the NIA, allowing the re-capture of this now-dangerous man.

———-

BUSH BROTHERS BREW BRUHAHA IN BELIZE

According to reports from the Commonwealth intelligence agency, Jorge and Jaime Bush have not given up their imperialistic designs, and are currently planning an assault on Belize.

“We believe that they’ve recruited large sums of money from their father and relatives, have assembled a small army, and are at this moment working through the jungles of the Yucatan to invade Belize and establish their own seat of power yet again.”

While citizens are encouraged to be attentive, they are also under martial law, near the border.

“I can’t believe they would try that here!” Marcos de los Santos da Silva said. “I can’t believe it. They were thrown out of their own countries. Why would they come here?”

The Commonwealth has assured Weekly World News that appropriate military preparations are in force, and the Bush Brothers will be apprehended should they actually try their venture.

“We could have mis-information.” A Captain said, under condition of anonymity. “They could be on vacation in the Yucatan. We will err on the side of caution.”

————

RENOWNED GEORGETOWN PSYCHIC PREDICTS CALAMITY!

Trained in the mystical arts by her Ukrainian Babushka, Mme Governiak’s home smells of incense and is dimly lit. In this exclusive interview with Madame Governiak, renowned psychic of the Balkans, we have been able to uncover terrifying future events. Among them, what we can only take to be the re-birth of Florida-Caribbea under the guise of a Cuban Nationalist Party, whereby all Atlantic nations will be terrorized.

Mme Governiak also spoke, as she channeled her spirit guide Uhumahomatomi, an Anasazi warrior, declaring, “In the time of darkness gathering, the flying tree of the pale-ones will rise from the ground and be lost from sight amidst the clouds, but in that moment it will die; the anger of the sky will rage upon it and it will shine for a moment as the brightness of the sun, and will be gone.”

She later interpreted this to mean that the TSRC’s launch vehicle will be destroyed by weather phenomena some time in the fall or winter.

Mme Governik also said, channeling her guide ‘Ataxika an east-asian servant of the 2nd century BC, “The daughter of the goddess Amaterasu will fall. The invisible ones will lash out in rage as the Daughter and her samurai visit the great flat lands. On the cusp of water will the invisible ones strike, and be revealed to be Kasei, children of the Fire-Planet. The Daughter-goddess will fall, but rise again. Her valiant samurai, foreigner to the holy islands will be slain.”

Mme Governik tried to explain the meaning, but Ataxika continued, at times interrupted by Uhumahomatomi (shown through the initial of the guide following the statement), “Many will say it was the dark ones, seeking freedom from the Goddess and her children. They are confused.” A

“Some will say it is the invader, come across the sea, seeing the displacement of the Algonkians and brother tribes as insufficient. They are lied to.” U

“Some say it is evil in the divine house of Amaterasutu that jealousy, long hidden, has moved to destruction. Abomination and lies.” A

“The peasant rebellion will be crushed, women and children slain by angry Xoguns, eager to restore the honor of the Daughter-Goddess and venge themselves for their lost brother, the foreign Samurai.” A

“They will be driven from their caves, from their tunnels and huts and will seek solace in our homes. We will receive them, and they will be protected for a time.” U

“An estranged child will speak the truth, but be silenced like a fool.” U

“He will see the invisible ones, and know they are Kasei.” A

“He will be scorned and chased as his dead ancestors, and driven to his death. But from his grave will come the truth.” U

After this taxing revelation, Mme. Governik was held in trance, uncommunicative and unresponsive. When at last she awoke, she sobbed for some five minutes. When she could vocalize her thoughts, she declared the revelation.

“Her Majesty The Emperor, Empress of Japan will nearly die. Some of her entourage at the time will be slain, but she will survive. Some will think it is the Yacuza or a plot by other nations. It is not so. Many will take the opportunity for retribution and will attack the Deseretan people. They will flee, but find refuge in the south, and may in time, return.

“I cannot say when, precisely, but before five years time passes, Her Majesty the Emperor will be in Meidji-dò and will be wounded. Some will say it is earthly, but I can say clearly that it will be from those above, those from Kasei, the Fire-Planet.

“Whether this means Martians or somewhere else … possibly Zeta ReReticuli … I don’t know. But the denizens of space curse our brazen climb to the heavens and will put us in our place. The motions of humanity to the stars will end in disaster.”

When asked about other, earthly threats, Mme Governik said flatly, “Millions will arise, but only the truth, the truth seen by the estranged brother of Uhumahomatomi is correct. All else is lies, fabricated by the weak human mind to explain that which cannot be explained.”

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