Archive for September, 2004

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Weekly World News

2004/09/26

Weekly World News, September 26, 2004 (Highlights)

CHIROPTOMAN STEALS AUTO FOR A FOUR STATE JOY RIDE!
RECENT ESCAPEE FROM NAL SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FACILITY REMAINS AT LARGE!

WINCHESTER, VIRGINIA — Chiroptoman, the NAL’s most cherished winged deviant caused a furor in the quad-state area as he circled around the nation’s capitol on the Postal Roads.

Mere seconds after salesman Ulf Olafssen had opened the door of the brand new Lyksas sports-utility-vehicle, Chiroptoman jumped from the roof of the dealership, climbed in, and drove away. He drove north, through Ter Mair and on, through Pennsylvaania, Kent and New Sweden, where he abandoned the stolen vehicle.

“It all happened in a blur,” the would-be owner said to our reporter. “I’d only begun to walk through the doors to the waiting vehicle when the gray beast jumped in, slammed the door and drove off! He didn’t even signal his merge to the highway! He went over the horizon like…a bat out of hell!”

The local constabulary surmises that this was not a chance-occurrence. Chiroptoman had most likely been waiting for just the right moment for hours. Constables gave Chase, but they were lost in traffic.

While many citizens reported sightings of the Lyksas, but the last sighting in New Sweden states that it was empty, and had been ravaged by Chiroptoman prior to his disappearance from the scene.

NIA Special Forces Agent Henrik Rysker, from the New Sweden branch spoke confidently to us. “We have followed his movements. We’re just moving in on his current location now.”

When asked how Chiroptoman had learned to drive, Rysker said, “The locale is classified, but he was serving the Commonwealth.” This service is evidently over, as Chiroptoman has become more and more sociopathic in his escapades. He also has been taking risks, as seen by his drive-thru order at a kruler/Berliner shop outside of Philadelphia, where several Pennsylvania Constables were reviewing a sting operation.

Desperate to prevent public trauma, authorities request all citizens to report suspicious activities or persons to the NIA, allowing the re-capture of this now-dangerous man.

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BUSH BROTHERS BREW BRUHAHA IN BELIZE

According to reports from the Commonwealth intelligence agency, Jorge and Jaime Bush have not given up their imperialistic designs, and are currently planning an assault on Belize.

“We believe that they’ve recruited large sums of money from their father and relatives, have assembled a small army, and are at this moment working through the jungles of the Yucatan to invade Belize and establish their own seat of power yet again.”

While citizens are encouraged to be attentive, they are also under martial law, near the border.

“I can’t believe they would try that here!” Marcos de los Santos da Silva said. “I can’t believe it. They were thrown out of their own countries. Why would they come here?”

The Commonwealth has assured Weekly World News that appropriate military preparations are in force, and the Bush Brothers will be apprehended should they actually try their venture.

“We could have mis-information.” A Captain said, under condition of anonymity. “They could be on vacation in the Yucatan. We will err on the side of caution.”

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RENOWNED GEORGETOWN PSYCHIC PREDICTS CALAMITY!

Trained in the mystical arts by her Ukrainian Babushka, Mme Governiak’s home smells of incense and is dimly lit. In this exclusive interview with Madame Governiak, renowned psychic of the Balkans, we have been able to uncover terrifying future events. Among them, what we can only take to be the re-birth of Florida-Caribbea under the guise of a Cuban Nationalist Party, whereby all Atlantic nations will be terrorized.

Mme Governiak also spoke, as she channeled her spirit guide Uhumahomatomi, an Anasazi warrior, declaring, “In the time of darkness gathering, the flying tree of the pale-ones will rise from the ground and be lost from sight amidst the clouds, but in that moment it will die; the anger of the sky will rage upon it and it will shine for a moment as the brightness of the sun, and will be gone.”

She later interpreted this to mean that the TSRC’s launch vehicle will be destroyed by weather phenomena some time in the fall or winter.

Mme Governik also said, channeling her guide ‘Ataxika an east-asian servant of the 2nd century BC, “The daughter of the goddess Amaterasu will fall. The invisible ones will lash out in rage as the Daughter and her samurai visit the great flat lands. On the cusp of water will the invisible ones strike, and be revealed to be Kasei, children of the Fire-Planet. The Daughter-goddess will fall, but rise again. Her valiant samurai, foreigner to the holy islands will be slain.”

Mme Governik tried to explain the meaning, but Ataxika continued, at times interrupted by Uhumahomatomi (shown through the initial of the guide following the statement), “Many will say it was the dark ones, seeking freedom from the Goddess and her children. They are confused.” A

“Some will say it is the invader, come across the sea, seeing the displacement of the Algonkians and brother tribes as insufficient. They are lied to.” U

“Some say it is evil in the divine house of Amaterasutu that jealousy, long hidden, has moved to destruction. Abomination and lies.” A

“The peasant rebellion will be crushed, women and children slain by angry Xoguns, eager to restore the honor of the Daughter-Goddess and venge themselves for their lost brother, the foreign Samurai.” A

“They will be driven from their caves, from their tunnels and huts and will seek solace in our homes. We will receive them, and they will be protected for a time.” U

“An estranged child will speak the truth, but be silenced like a fool.” U

“He will see the invisible ones, and know they are Kasei.” A

“He will be scorned and chased as his dead ancestors, and driven to his death. But from his grave will come the truth.” U

After this taxing revelation, Mme. Governik was held in trance, uncommunicative and unresponsive. When at last she awoke, she sobbed for some five minutes. When she could vocalize her thoughts, she declared the revelation.

“Her Majesty The Emperor, Empress of Japan will nearly die. Some of her entourage at the time will be slain, but she will survive. Some will think it is the Yacuza or a plot by other nations. It is not so. Many will take the opportunity for retribution and will attack the Deseretan people. They will flee, but find refuge in the south, and may in time, return.

“I cannot say when, precisely, but before five years time passes, Her Majesty the Emperor will be in Meidji-dò and will be wounded. Some will say it is earthly, but I can say clearly that it will be from those above, those from Kasei, the Fire-Planet.

“Whether this means Martians or somewhere else … possibly Zeta ReReticuli … I don’t know. But the denizens of space curse our brazen climb to the heavens and will put us in our place. The motions of humanity to the stars will end in disaster.”

When asked about other, earthly threats, Mme Governik said flatly, “Millions will arise, but only the truth, the truth seen by the estranged brother of Uhumahomatomi is correct. All else is lies, fabricated by the weak human mind to explain that which cannot be explained.”

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Furocano Clean-Up

2004/09/19

1 Sans-Culottides, CCXII
Baies de Biloxi-et-Mobile, Pays-Lointains

Clean-up began today, rather than at the end of the National Festival as citizens cleaned up after the ravages of Furocano #9, which earlier had looked to slam the already beaten Floridian peninsula.

Gouverneur Alphonse Rochambeau jibed, “It’s a good thing we’re celebrating labor day in two-days time.” He gestures around himself, “We’re going to need the labor to clean up this mess!”

A state of curfew was established just prior to landfall of the furocano, and remains in effect, citizens required to remain in their homes from 19:00 to 7:00, or an hour before sunset and after sunrise.

“We of course thank the Mormon church,” Rochambeau continued, “Their goodwill offerings are much appreciated by the citizens of the Pays-Lointains. The only thing they forgot was the wine!”

The Guard National remains activated until such time as regular policing returns to effect. The council met in emergency session earlier today to approve an aid package to restore some of the losses of the newly re-integrated Pays-Lointains.

IBAP / LAP

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ATOE LAUNCHES SIMIAN; TROPICAL SYMPOSIUM HELD

2004/09/12

25 Fructidor CCXII; Gacudai Gannen, Hatxigaçu 10; 9/12/2004

ATOE LAUNCHES SIMIAN; NEXT LAUNCH DELAYED

CÒTXI, XICOCU, JAPAN.

The launch and retrieval of Yamaxi, a Macaque Fuscata, went off without any problems on Tuesday last, however tests revealed minor containment issues for the atmospheric systems. While the health of Yamaxi was not compromised, the planned launch of cosmonaut André Suzuqui, a Japanese Louisiannais, has been rescheduled for some time in January if a simple fix cannot be found.

“It’s a bit frustrating and discouraging,” Jean-Louis Cattin avered after the results of the launch were announced, “but we’ve not had any real set-backs before now, and it really is a simple problem. We’re lucky this showed up now, and not when André was on his way up to space. Human life is more important than speed.”

While the Sarutahico vessel undergoes a thorough inspection, other concerns also demand attention of the fledgling space organization. While a spirit of scientific detente has existed between the TSRC and ATOE, much to the surprise of the world at large, ATOE’s base of operations remains undecided.

The debate over location for the ATOE launch facility remains highly contested, factions from all over Xicocu levying requests of the Imperial government, and Ezo seeking to bring this economic boon to itself with the well-situated island of Lake Tòya-co a high-profile candidate.

The CNEL Oversight Comittee is also embroiled in debate over reactants for the Raitdju rockets, which are to be used as lift vehicles for later steps in the ATOE goal of a lunar landing. As the onus of development has been largely in CNEL hands until recently there has been very little Japanese input. It is probable, with the cooperative venture that Japanese rocket scientists will bring their comments to bear in the debate.

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TROPICAL SYMPOSIUM HELD

Gacudai Gannen, Hatxigaçu 11;

BUARIKI, ARANUKA, MICRONESIAN CONFEDERATION

Opening today in this small island village is a symposium of the world most renowned science fiction authors. Among the noteable visitors were Ms. Sijay Tsherriah of Oregon, Artvir Klaric, renowned Cambrian author of 1999, 2009, and 2999 and many other space saga, and Emeritus member of the Interplanetary Society of the Federated Kingdom. Many other noteable authors make for a large gathering that, with support staff, nearly double the size of this tropical village. Noteably absent were invited delegates from the TSRC and Euro-Consortiums.

While the actual proceedings are closed to the press, Jean-Louis Cattin, in Bermuda shorts and Kanawikiian shirt smiled and said, “This is a sort of meeting of the minds, drawing upon the great imaginations of scientifically minded writers who can foresee a future for humanity different from the path we’re on today. We consider this research for future projects, because as many of you know, science fiction quickly becomes science fact. Just look at the Ekranoplanes and Spretu jets! Jet propulsion has been a dream for 50 years, but only in the last ten it has shifted from the realm of science fiction to science fact. Artificial Satellites orbiting the Earth were almost unthinkeable before the announcement by the Tysk-Scandinavisk Rum Companie! Look at us now, engaged in a world-wide push for the exploration of space!”

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Louisianne; “A Nation Mourns”

2004/09/07

20 Fructidor, CCXII

Le Caillou, Saint-Louis, Louisianne

It was reported this morning that Guillaume Henri Claintaun has died, due to massive heart-failure. The Prefect’s condition was not publicly known, but the Prefectoral physician was heavily concerned. In a press conference he stated, “We knew of the Prefects condition, and while we tried to save his life, first through suggestions of diet and exercise, and last night through massive surgery, it was not enough.”

Hilary Rodham Claintaun, Prefect-Elect will assume duties of Saint-Louis tomorrow, though it is likely that most of the less pressing matters will be put on hold until a weeks time, allowing Mme. Claintaun time to greive the loss of her husband with their daughter, Kelsea.

All flags were flown at half mast for honor of the deceased although some of the more conservative districts of Le Caillou were visibly unchanged by the news. “He was a philanderer,” an elderly lady said, on condition of anonymity. “No wonder his ticker went kaput! He drank and caroused so much I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I’m surprised that Hilary has stayed with him all this time!” She shook her head as she walked away in disgust.

Guillaume Claintaun had been feeling chest pain for the last week, and yesterday had checked himself into the Hôpital Hôtel Dieu for a check up on his situation.

Word was leaked by a hospital employee that suspicion has been raised because of the Prefects sudden decline in health. “By all standards, he should have survived this surgery. This was standard surgery, and while there was much damage to his heart tissue, he was not so far gone as to die on the operating table.”

An inquest is in process, and an autopsy will be performed on the fallen Prefect to estimably put end to these rumors.

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World Response to ATOE (Delayed)

2004/09/05

25 Thermidor CCXII; Gacudai Gannen, Xitxigaçu 10; August 13, 2004

WORLD RESPONSE TO ATOE
Fast on the heels of the announcement of the formation of the Trans-Oceanic Alliance for the Exploration of Space nations have presented themselves to partner up with this space effort. “I’m pleasantly surprised with the reaction of the nations of our world. The goal of space is not just for Louisiannans or citizens of the Japanese Empire. It is for the world as a whole.” Jean-François Young glibbed.

ATOE-Louisianne has been inundated with calls by scientists and industry. The Kemrese government has not only pledged its renewed partnership in studying the effects of space on a terrestrial organism; Positioning and Mapping satellites are planned for launch to map the surface of the Moon in preparation for the moon landing. An offer has been extended to the TSRC to share the scientific discoveries by this mission. At press time no response has been received. TSRC later accepted this offer and exchanged the information gleaned from their launch of a simian.

New Francy, habitually antagonistic to the Republic of Louisianne has also pledged its kawaric expertise in the form of at least one, but up to six kawaric arms to aid in the construction of the Çuxima Space Station.

The next scheduled launch is for later this month.

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Newsday, Louisianne, 15 Fructidor CCXII

2004/09/02

15 Fructidor, CCXII

Port-au-Prince, St. Domingue

BATTEN THE HATCHES!

Louisiannan and other peacekeeping forces have spent the week urging the locals to ‘batten down the hatches’ as the latest in this years furacanos beats its way to slam into the RTC held Southeast Florida. Most have been happily complying with the requests, and order is the general rule, even in the newly secured French Zone.

St. Louis, St. Louis, Louisianne

A NEW PRESIDENT

Hilary Rodham Claintaun smiled and waved to her cheering supporters from the St. Louis Parliament as the long political trail ended in success. Moments before she had received a concession visit from Populist Michel Huckabée. Richard Alouicious Gépard declined to make the traditional show of support to the newly elected leader. Amidst cheers she took a stand on the stand of office as Priest Robert Delacroix administered the Oath of office.

Now begins the coordination period as the affairs of the Prefectoral office change hands. Most pundits say that it won’t take too long, as Hilary seemed to have been running the office since the beginning.

Pamplona, Nouvelle Navarra, Louisianne

ATTEMPT AGAINST WEATHER SATELLITE

Alta Californios who had been granted tourist visas to visit the International Geyser Park were apprehended as they tried to breach the CNEL launch facility early yesterday morning. “We won’t let you launch that device of evil!” they screamed. “We know what Louisianne plans!” another shouted. “They will never take the Deseret! This is a spy satellite! We will stop the threat! We will not lose our homes!”

Authorities in San Diego were unavailable to comment on events, but a prepared press release stated that most likely these persons had been victims of the Deseret Militia, and were most likely swayed by past behaviors of Louisianne.

Jean-Louis Cattin spoke calmly and quietly against the accusations that todays launch was a spy satellite. “This is the long planned weather satellite built by the Bureau Météorologique National. It is not a spy satellite, there is no need for spy satellites. The allegations that Louisianne plans an invasion of Alta Californian land is preposterous. We would simply offer purchase of the land, as we did with Tejas. We invite Alta Californian officials to come and verify for themselves the honesty of our efforts, should they desire it.”